From the moment I saw you, I knew you were dangerous, but I had to keep looking, I had to keep thinking about you. I wanted to touch you, and be with you, yet each time I knew I was dying, atrophy set in. You would have thought that I’d stop, but each time I saw you I wanted more, I needed more, relentless pursuit of what I knew was killing my body soul and spirit. so gradual, so subtle, like I was caught in a daze, hypnotised by the enticing call, captured by the sirens beckoning me. Drawn in to what even I new was to be destruction and death. A lucid nightmare from which there is no escape, a failed anaesthetic, aware of the dark surgeons work. Silent screams from within my soul, Lord wake me up, and then the hunger knocks, like a mist, a fog, seeping under the door, penetrating every part of my house, there is no escape, there is no place to hide until I give in, and let it sting me and let it envelop me, and take me away to get my fix, satisfy my soul for a few moments until the increasingly infrequent moments of light shine inside. Comatosed and drugged, caught up in a cycle of death.
A vague thought, like a fragrance on the breeze arouses my senses, cutting through the years of numbing, cutting through the self abuse. It whispers a thought, gently, softly, as a butterfly might land on a flower it rests in my soul. Just a word, just a phrase, but equally as irresistibly enticing as the one who had led me to my prison cell. As I smell the fragrance I could feel a thaw to my heart, winter turning to spring, the cold land warming again. Like a seed planted, it had a life of its own, it had its own DNA, yet I could have killed it. Something inside wanted it, it reminded me of the past, it reminded me of what I was. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it, it wanted me near. Whenever I drew close I would feel energy pumping and flowing through me. Even those atrophied parts of me started to live, blood started to flow and I found my now empty voice wanting to sing, my eyes opened and I looked around me. For the first time in long time I saw where I had been living, a prison, desecrated, defiled. Walls graffitied with words of hate, with lies. No windows, no light. The seed that I had planted, the one that came with the fragrance stood in the middle of the room. It had its own light, its own life. It broke through the cold concrete of the floor and I could see as it got bigger that it was breaking the floor, and life was springing up through.
A sadness caught a hold of me and hated the place I was in. I tried to scrub the walls, I tried to remove the hateful words but hey wouldn’t go. A whisper came to that I need to use blood. It seemed distant and I didn’t know where I would get the blood from. As I looked at the plant I could see that it had begun to flower, its fragrance was stronger now. I went to smell the flower and I saw drops of blood in the centre of each flower, I reached out and touched it and like an electric shock it jolted through my body, every moment of history before and after flashed before me and I could feel the voice of the creator thundering through me. An awesome fear shocked through my body and I fell on my face in shock. I was on the ground for what felt like hours as the events of my life played before my eyes, the dark moments, the dark thoughts, it was all known, he could see it all. And as it came to an end I saw him standing before me, the one who was a distant memory, one who I had seen as a child, one who had called my name, but to whom I had ignored, I had closed my ears and been drawn to the lights of the world, drugged and numbed. As he stood before me he smiled and reached out his hand, gentle and warm. As I touched him I could see that somehow all my past was wiped out, my darkness had gone and then In a moment I was alone again the room. I touched the flower again and let the blood drip onto my fingers. I took it and painted over the walls, like an acid it dissolved the bricks, they started to crumble and the walls came down. Before me was a beautiful meadow and a stream and the breeze brought forth a song:
“The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”
Psalms 23:1-6 NASB